The "Blog"

He Got Me On His Legal Squirrel Mumbo-jumbo

Posted by on March 17, 2016 at 2:45 PM Comments comments (0)

Squirrel came into my apartment. Heard him rattling around in the closet initially so probably got in via the crawl space. I called him a knucklehead and shooed him out the kitchen window but he just kinda hung out on the fire escape, like he was saying, "Your jurisdiction ends at the sill, man. And maybe I wasn't done yet. And maybe you can't guard that garbage can forever."

The Seventh Squirrel

Posted by on May 3, 2015 at 2:25 PM Comments comments (0)

So one of the squirrels in the backyard was in a fight with a crow. It was this whole weird dance where the crow would hop closer and closer to the squirrel then go after him and the squirrel would scamper off but then circle back and deliberately do squirrel stuff near the crow and then go after the crow, and they went around our yard and the neighbors' yards a few times doing this. I like to think of the crow as an incarnation of Death and that maybe the squirrel version of Ingmar Bergman was shooting it all as a movie, just not a particularly coherent one because squirrels aren't great at linear storytelling.

This Might Be a TV Show I Would Never Miss

Posted by on April 26, 2015 at 9:20 PM Comments comments (0)

I have seen two pairs of squirrels wrestling in the backyard in the last week and one pretty zealously trying to tackle the branch of a bush that kept taunting it with its dangling, so I am assuming it is fermented-nut season. Squirrels -- nature's Irish.

What Would Be Funny Is If They Put on Masks So It Would Get Blamed On Raccoons

Posted by on October 14, 2013 at 5:00 AM Comments comments (0)

This one time I came home to find a squirrel sleeping on the sill just on the other side of the kitchen window. Naturally, I didn't want to open it and have it scamper into the house, so I got a big wooden spoon and opened the window just enough to just nudge him. And I don't know if you've ever seen a cop try to roust a drunk on the subway, but it was kind of exactly like that -- the squirrel just grunted annoyed, waved me off and went back to sleep. I finally poked a harder and he grumbled and scooted away. ANYWAY, last night I go to close the window and it doesn't go all the way down. And then I notice someone has lodged a big walnut right in the groove where the window comes down. The same window. Three stories up.


I am not sure how much shit they can steal given bodymass and whatnot, but I am pretty sure my apartment is the subject of some kind of squirrel caper.