The "Blog"

WORST ALAMO EVER - compiled liveblogging of the Vanilla ISIS Saga

Posted by on February 10, 2016 at 3:40 PM Comments comments (0)


Dumbass militia. The blueprint says the whole thing is supposed to kick off in a beerhall.

American Nazis can't just go camping. They have to make a BIG DEAL out of it.

"Patriot" is like that girl in HS who was superhot but now it's 20 years of meth & 4 shit marriages to racist twats later. You can have it.


If you ever go to a bird sanctuary and there are Nazis, keep calm & remember it's about the birds. Tyrannical miscegenated birds.

Look, if you wanna cosplay The Turner Diaries & make an omelet, you gotta shoot members of the mongrel races, ZOG and/or eggs.


Saw an Iowa patriot guy raging on a friend's feed about how nannystate libs & "animalistic" ethnic groups would get ours when the proper man's man cosplay revolution comes. Ummm, isn't that revolution supposed to be starting NOW-ish? Is another one scheduled? Get off facebook, strap on your dicks and go storm the DMV for Jesus, you big pussies.

JAN 6 

I know, I know, I joke now, but if #VanillaISIS corpses wind up littering that giftshop I'll probably feel bad, like people did on VE Day, then fucked each other stupid.

JAN 8 
[Reports that "besieged" "freedom-loving" "protesters" can come and go as they please between Malheur Wildlife Refuge and Burns, OR, unimpeded by law enforcement]

STATE COP: D'you guys order pizza?



PATRIOT: Spot us 20 bucks, jackbooted thug!

JAN 9 

PATRIOT: Society is communism!

STATE COP: Safeway is just left on Main.

PATRIOT: K, thanks. Statist oppressor!

JAN 10

PATRIOT: The state empowers looters to plunder the alphas!

COP: The Funyuns you begged people for online are here.

JAN 11

PATRIOT: We're going to Denny's!

SHERIFF: Enjoy that public road.


JAN 12


PATRIOT: Hey, did the post office get our stuff?

SHERIFF: USPS is a federal agency. Therefore they don't exist.

P: You dick!

. . . 

SHERIFF: Postal union says you wouldn't want stuff from an unnatural construct of mob coercion anyway.

PATRIOT: Not funny!

We Were the Fighting Wiseguys

Posted by on October 7, 2014 at 4:05 AM Comments comments (1)

Facebook has informed me that None of Your Fucking Business High School is an "invalid" high school for me to have attended.

After the Retailpocalypse

Posted by on August 3, 2014 at 4:10 AM Comments comments (0)

I don't want to freak you guys out, but the Shopko on Shopko Drive is closing. Soon there will be a Shopko Drive but there will be NO SHOPKO ON IT. It will be like a weird 12 Monkeysverse where pumas, coyotes and goats casually roam dusty streets named for the yawning empires of crap that underpinned a fairly mediocre and easily coopted civilization. Also maybe the Copps. Pumas in the Copps would be awesome.


Also, you should see the random smattering of stuff left on the shelves. It's like China barfed in there.

Highlights from Today's Shortest Copyright Battle Ever

Posted by on July 6, 2014 at 5:10 AM Comments comments (0)

Abridged version of a series of emails exhanged to day with various "stakeholders" in The Hangdogs' library.

Hotshot lawyer at new parent company of old dickhead record label to current digital distributor: "You guys don't have the rights to this Hangdogs record. We do. So stop selling it."

Current digital distributor to me: "Um, do you guys know about this?"

Me: "I don't know who the hell [new parent company] is, so likely not an issue."

Current digital distributor to me: "They bought [old dickhead record label]. Up to you if you want to fight it."

Me: "Won't be much of a fight seeing as they are full of shit."

Current digital distributor to execs at new parent company of old dickhead record label: "The band says they understand things differently."

Old dickhead record label sales & marketing guy to all CCed: "We checked and they are right. Sorry."

Me on facebook because I have been advised not to use this as a tag in legal correspondence:

Pedestrian Work

Posted by on February 8, 2014 at 10:05 PM Comments comments (0)

I like crossing the street at E Wash and 1st Street because the guy who does audio signal for blind/hungover people, where he says effectively "It is okay to cross Washington now," sounds like he was at the tail-end of recording messages for EVERY street crossing in Madison that day and was just SO done with this job since it pretty much only backhoed dirt on the grave of his dream of voicing cartoons, or he'd just come back from a super shit divorce hearing or something. It kind of sounds like he really wants to say, "It is okay to cross Washington now [then under his breath] or don't, Jesus Christ, what the hell do I care, we'll all be dead in twenty years."


Oo, if anybody records street-crossing message audio, I will pay you FIFTEEN DOLLARS if you record funny pissy messages and put them up unedited at city crosswalks.

Probably Not Either/Or

Posted by on February 8, 2014 at 9:40 PM Comments comments (0)

What's funny about someone who wakes up every morning and just doesn't give a shit is, they could be a totally broken dead-eyed nihilist OR a really really awesome Buddhist.

What's in the box?

Posted by on February 8, 2014 at 7:15 PM Comments comments (0)

So we're getting a new hot water heater installed and now there is this giant, long, pretty sturdy cardboard box propped temporarily in the backyard, open lengthwise as if it were a boat. And I keep looking at it, as if it is taunting me. And there is a frozen lake like two blocks away. And I keep thinking, somebody needs to let me "walk" their dog.

Full Disclosure, This Was at My OLD Office

Posted by on November 14, 2013 at 3:45 AM Comments comments (0)

So is Throwback Thursday a thing we have to do every Thursday, like Friday is Funny Hat Day and Monday is Fuck In the Stairwell Day?

Why My Friends Are Awesome

Posted by on July 1, 2013 at 11:40 PM Comments comments (0)

Facebook Diary 1: Boldly Claiming Candidacy for the Platitudes of the Future

Posted by on June 8, 2013 at 11:05 PM Comments comments (0)

Eva Braun = the nadir of starfuckers

I am in no way buying into all this pro-vampire propaganda. No offense, but if I am your food source, we probably shouldn't hang, much less fuck. You see me hanging with chickens and asparagus? No, you do not. Because I will eat them.

I just watched an isolated patch of fog roll down Douglass Street, like 20' x 20' with no other fog around it. I just kind of had to assume there was like one or two pirates inside.

 I just found out the Packers have a linebacker named Frank Zombo. Who in their right mind wouldn't want that name? I'd drop the first name and just go all Beyonce with it. "I AM ZOMBO! GIVE ME ALE AND A MUTTON SHANK!"

 A = B. Suck on it.


I can imagine no circumstance in which shrink-rays in the hands of historical figures would not be funny.

I don't understand how reanimated skeletons with swords fight guys. I mean, you kind of need muscle, tendons, bursa and shit to make bones actually move. It seems like it would take a lot more magic to reanimate skeletons and keep them magically dextrous than it would to just reanimate skeletons WITH muscles and tendons included. I mean, as long as you're magically reanimating shit, shoot the moon, right?


Fall daylight savings is like Christmas for drunks.



 I wrote a joke last night: So they hired a guy to write Tea Party for Dummies and his head imploded.


They should have JiffyLubes for blood transfusions.


I have to be the last person in the world to carve this gag from the stone, but the place where the priests hang out is called the RECTORY? REALLY? What kind of eerie goddamn etymological prophecy is that? Or is it just a fucked up self-fulfilling chicken & the egg thing?


I cannot delineate which is actually being advertised to me, the latest fucking romantic comedy or the latest fucking Fox sitcom. I think perhaps everything sold is now the same thing.