The "Blog"

My Story Arcs Are Less Arc-y

Posted by on December 21, 2016 at 2:25 AM Comments comments (0)



And They Won't. Stop. SINGING.

Posted by on February 29, 2016 at 2:55 PM Comments comments (0)

Somebody explained leap year to me once but I suck at math and listening so now, in my head, February 29 is just Brigadoon.

Nerd Joke

Posted by on February 17, 2016 at 1:30 PM Comments comments (0)

Oh, shit, I was regaling people with stories last night at the bar but I forgot to wear my king outfit, so it probably doesn't count, right?

The 15-minute Trilogy

Posted by on December 9, 2015 at 3:15 PM Comments comments (0)

I guess the lesson of Star Wars I-III is that, if The Force actually worked, you would've Jedi-strangled that fucking kid when you met him.


Posted by on September 17, 2015 at 2:20 PM Comments comments (0)

Better to aim high and crash and burn than never . . . have crashed and burned, I guess? And have everybody watch you crash and burn because you aimed so high? And then, on top of the incumbent wounds that crashing and burning would be pretty likely to exact, experience the trauma of crashing and burning and dread certainty that everybody saw you crash and burn over and over again in your quiet moments until you die? So that your next great feat would be as ambitious as latching onto another skein of platitudes that allow you to half-heartedly own this now-imprinted complex of you being The Crash-and-Burn Guy just so you can marginally function in the world? . . . Wait, WHY the hell am I doing this again?


Posted by on June 16, 2015 at 7:10 PM Comments comments (1)

"I think camping is kind of dumb. Doesn't mean I wouldn't camp with the right person. Just, y'know, in between the sex, I'd probably be thinking it was kind of dumb. Which, now that I think about it, seems to indicate I would only go camping for sex. So . . . there you go."

This Is the Best Joke I Will Ever Write That like Five People Get

Posted by on March 15, 2015 at 5:25 PM Comments comments (0)

If I lived under one of those Shakespearean kings, I would be one of the guys plotting to kill him ALL the time, because, dude, shut up for like two seconds.


Butt Stuff

Posted by on January 30, 2015 at 6:30 PM Comments comments (0)

"You're so far up your own ass you need a C-section to brush your teeth." 

Diamond Hijinx

Posted by on October 7, 2014 at 3:50 AM Comments comments (0)

If I were the president of baseball, I would make the strike zone much funnier.


Then Again, Maybe You Could Just Stop Doing Stupid Shit

Posted by on June 23, 2014 at 8:50 PM Comments comments (0)

I would hate to think a pointless war of imperial hubris marketed to a traumatized public by way of a relentless fusillade of lies turned out to be for nothing.